The me I want to be
Lately, I have been so out of my mind. Not like “Crazy, Insane” out of my mind, but just sad…
I have felt so inconfident not only with my appearance but with my personality.
I don’t know who I am, or who I want to be. All I know is that I want to be happy again, but I can’t figure out exactly how to do that.
Part of me (Well, Most of me) wants to be the best person I can possibly be. I want to be nicer, and more mature. I want to stop being so negative to myself, and to others. I want to become a better christian and i want to show God that I love him.
Yet the other half of me is just the opposite.
I want to live my life and be free. I want to do what I want to do, and I feel like dedicating myself to god is making me miss out on my life…if that makes sense?
As for my insecurities, I have absolutely no clue what to do. I feel like I am just the ugliest person in the world and it is really making me sad. I think it’s because I’m being so harsh to myself and thinking so negatively about EVERYTHING. I really need to stop. I feel like I am transforming into some monster and I don’t want to.
I have alot of things that I need to improve about myself.
I think I am going to start being more active in Church and start improving the way I act, and the way I think about things. I really need to. I have so many people that look up to me and acting horrible is probably letting them down tremendously and making them think that I’m Hypocritical and that I’m some person i’m not. . I think I want to be the negative person I want to be because society is brainwashing me into thinking that if I’m a christian, I am wierd or “Uncool”. I tend to care alot about what people think of me which isn’t good at all. I really need to get out of that habit and stop living my life for others and live my life how I want to live it.
I made a list of all of the things that I absolutely hate about myself, some constructive as well as inconstructive things. The inconstructive things I am going to attempt to become more confident about because I’m stuck with them and theres no changing them.
Things I Hate About Me:
My lips
My Teeth
My nose
My clothes
My negativity
My inconfidence
My personality
My wierdness
My awkwardness
My depression
My laziness
I really need to work on making these things better, and/or becoming more confident about them.
Through the next few months I am going to try to do this
My awesome crazy life. 
I love the amount of honesty you put into this post, that is a very difficult thing to do. But rest assured that many people have that exact same thinking style, including myself. The good news is that having these thoughts and awerness may be a burden now, but if you continue to get closer to God and focus on how to love your element of uniqueness and the things that make you you, you will blossom into a person with an amazing level of character and wisdom. (And people will really notice this and will start to want to pick your brain). Trust me, this is a difficult path (a mental tug of war), but I truly believe from the bottom of my heart that it is a battle that all great people face.
The worst thing you can do is give up on yourself and take the easy way out, and try to be like everybody else.
What really resonated with me is when you mention that a part of you want to be closer to God, and another part of you thinks that you will miss out on life. I used to have that EXACT same thinking, but as I grew older and tried to read the bible and go to church, I truly realized that living with God is true freedom. while living a world life, is a form of slavery. I know so many people who were partiers in college and HS and now they have no motivation but to drink, they have no career goals, they can’t find good friends anymore, and they are just overall pretty sad.
I hope that you will realize these things yourself, it may not be instantly but it’s a delicate and beautiful process and in the end, you will have people wondering how to be more like you. I love this saying from Disney’s Mulan, “The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all. ”
God Bless,
Mina
It’s very wierd how you understand EXACTLY how I feel. Very few people seem to understand me completely. It’s so hard to go through this and I think as christians, We all tend to go through some sort of battle with “Who we want to be”. I am so afraid that I am going to lose myself and slip completely and then not be able to return to who I really am…I don’t know if that makes sense or not.
And another thing that I’ve realized is it’s hard to be around people who aren’t christians, and to not be influenced by them.
It seems to be liked or accepted you have to be like everyone else…and if you’re not you get completely shunned. I think that battles like this is what in the long run, make us stronger in our Faith and help us realize that God is our way through life and not the evil of the world.
I’m hoping that my eyes will open and I will completely realize this. I don’t want my life to be meaningless. I want a life that influences people. I want a life full of hopes, and dreams. A life full of strong faith.
Thanks for you’re wisdom!!